Letting Go.

What I hate about growing up is how suddenly it happens...no warning, just BAM and a new perspective is there. I'm not exactly reeling from the past month, with classes ending that merely  transitioned smoothly into a steady job...reeling is too strong a word. Not for the last time, I realize how slowly I actually deal with change. Here I am, near tears, because my roommates up and moved on...left to live their lives elsewhere. I've known about their leaving for a while, but never really thought about all the implications until today. Why this so deeply affects me, when they were practically strangers at the beginning, maybe I'll never know....but this I do know, I am very, incredibly saddened. The empty space of my living room that once contained bodies moving, talking, joking, eating, kitties batting milk cap rings around, and a tv buzzing with Family Guy or whatever show they were watching, is now an expanse of carpet, with a couple lamps, and a sense of lingering energy slowing fading. I want to dramatically sob and throw myself down on my bed, but the emptiness of this small apartment seems to steal the drama right out of me.
I came back from China needing a place to stay, and I found this wonderful cozy place, that seemed to be poised in the prime location for me, near food, near campus and within comfortable distance of social scenes. My roommates were pleasant but already neatly established in their routines, and I felt like a bit of an intruder into their world. Months passed and gradually that feeling left, and we simply became roommates. Comfortable in conversation and silences alike but no pressure in developing any relationship beyond that.

When you live with anyone, even if you don't sit down and discuss their everyone hope or dream, you really just know them. You sense moods, understand small changes of habits or flashes of facial expressions without ever really needing to divulge into personal accounts of how one reacts to different scenarios. You know them.
Now they aren't here. Five bodies occupied this small space, almost forced to coexist in one common area but separate in activities. The room hangs devoid of giggling, or cats chattering. Even the tv is gone, leaving behind giant blank walls that are too big and empty to look at. Not quite abandoned but definitely left behind.

I'm struggling to express my pain overall...not just that they left, but how easily we lived together, minor frustrations and irritations as to be expected, but general caring and concern too. It is difficult to imagine finding others that are so easily assimilated into my life, in such close conditions. I grieve for the loss. And I think the sobbing can commence now.