Nothing surprises me any more. Except puddles discovered by be-socked feet.
Oh and when my cookies come out incredibly tasty (yes, I will brag about that- they are!) Also when its 65 degrees the first three days of December.
Maybe a few things still surprise me.
I've noticed over the past three weeks that time has both sped up to accomodate my reeling senses, but slowed down to make it seem like I've been home for months. The two time jaunts sorta cancel each other out and just make one day follow another, like they've done for my whole life.
What makes my world rotate faster is the amount of work I need to do, the little tasks I can accomplish that wile away the hours. Since there are only about .3 hours of daylight anymore, that means I can be done with anything around four and call it good.
Slower days mean more thinking time, and thinking time means more introspecting self reflection, and that means occasional tidal waves of regret, guilt and self disappointment.
Avoiding a slow day is quite the involving task, which in turn helps jump start a fast day. I wish my day was put around a globe, like those plastic numbers with a metal frame and base. Then I could spin it to my whim, and make the time go by as I pleased.
You know that feeling of utter regret that lingers and haunts any open space your brain offers? That feeling of unrest until the moment you can release it and relief can follow? How important is it to say the simple apology, express a heartfelt feeling that will other wise fill up the gaps where peace resides until it's uttered? Speak it softly, speak it slowly, speak it humbly, speak it quickly, or speak it with the only method you can. However its done, it must be done.
That's really one of those niggling quirks I can't seem to rid myself of. I must speak it, must express the innermost thoughts or I will languish in a place of stuck-ness. Maybe this kind of confessionitis will help realize a new path of work, or conjure up a perfect relationship. On the other hand, it might just rot away any patience among my beloved ones with the incessant expression of "feelings", or will cause me to lose many jobs since my infernal sense of obligation rules my somewhat unwillingly obliging mind.
If I had the power, I'd freeze someone's ability to shut down and stop listening long enough to explain myself (not in an evil way, just bypassing the any prejudices formed beforehand) then letting them go right away of course. Now that I say it, that sounds rather controlling and manipulative. Well it is, I guess...but you can see what I mean. All the times we've needed to apologize for something, or to someone, wouldn't it be nice to just do so without any hassle?
Can't I just be over and done yet? Snap my fingers and bam! move on! I'm ready, I'm willing so whats slowing this process down? Closure, why can't we be friends?
No comments:
Post a Comment