Just the Two of Us

I'm home. After all that waiting, agonizing, whiling of hours and wishful thinking to be there...I'm there. I'm sitting in my kitchen, a dozen cookies sitting in front of me that I made earlier in the day. My mom and sister are comfortably near by, and the atmosphere is calm and cozy.

My mind is split in two. I feel half of me functioning as a person here in the world, smiling, talking, moving but I feel like its an old movie clip that's looping and replaying, instead of a live performance. My life here seems unchanged, and I had no obstacles slipping back into my role...
The other half of my  mind is back in China, speaking Chinglish, tuning out incessant noises and having no other worries besides myself and the few things I should do. I'm trying to phase out the phrases I think of constantly in Chinese, and the general attitude I had. I'm struggling between happiness and a drowning despair...I'm a whole person, but the separation inside has almost created two entities.
I can see how easy it would be to fall into depression, to ignore the fact that this transition is one of the most complicated processes that I've been involved in and will probably take time to work through. It's day two, and I'm ready for this to blow over.
Sometimes I'm so strangely incapable of not being a functional human being, it kills me. I wish there was a part of me that gave up easily, and allowed my dark and twisty side to reach up softly and enfold me into quiet miserable bliss. But no...I'm here writing about my feelings, making it public and even baking cookies to stave off that temptation. How easy it would be to give in, but to what purpose? Nothing good would come of it, my exasperatingly practical mind whispers...might as well move on with life.

I have a couple project still due for school, and that interview for another job on campus to look forward to. There are other things that are worth getting up and showering for like my cat, or cafes with great music. My family will support me, and I will go on as unfailingly sensible as always.

China will be that experience I'll remember more than I can talk about, an experience of feelings I can't exactly completely share and a place that will hold a new meaning for me. The time I spent there will be unparallelled with any other place and my mind is forever altered.